There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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