Just fell off a train. Bad.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
