Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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