i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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