I just cut my nipple shaving
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
