he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
