textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
