Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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