don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
did i walk over a car last night?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
