And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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