Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
