listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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