Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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