He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
