Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How does one acquire holy water?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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