I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
