Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize