I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
