The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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