he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
