I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
