I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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