I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
