Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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