Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FUCK WHALES
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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