Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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