This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
