I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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