I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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