just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
