True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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