My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
