I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
