I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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