These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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