Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think my mom watched the whole time
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
