I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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