Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
