I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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