every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
