I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
