I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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