Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize