he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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