i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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