Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
