how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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