It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
