This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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