Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
