Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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