I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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