So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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