don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
