In the future we'll all be gay
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
