lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
