She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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