Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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