Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
