there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
